Midnight Oil

[Powderworks] Fwd Gig Rules

Kate Parker Adams kate@dnki.net
Mon, 04 Nov 2002 17:01:38 -0500

Very cute, but I think they forgot one here ...

25)  Don't be the poser who has gone to so many concerts that he thinks he 
can tell the rest of us how to act.  No one wants to hear some lame-ass 
scenester with a small dick and no life boost his self esteem by ragging on 
fat chicks, pizza-faced kids, eager fans, and enterprising new bands yet to 
receive the Radio Disney stamp of approval.  If you have to, just go back 
to your unkempt apartment and beat off with a full-length mirror while the 
rest of us enjoy our night out.


At 05:26 PM 11/4/02 +1100, [name removed] wrote:

>this is very funny and very true
>>1) Don't sing if you aren't one of the dudes on stage getting paid to do 
>>it. Nobody paid their hard-earned money to hear your dorky, untalented 
>>ass sing. We came to hear the dudes on stage sing. Paying 40 bucks to go 
>>see Tool, but instead of hearing Maynard, you get the dorkus malorkus 
>>with mad zits standing next to you singing "Sober" really loudly and out 
>>of key in your ear is enough to murder mother fuckers for.
>>2) Also, if the singer on stage does decide to either: pass the mic 
>>around for the "sing along" song, or: motion to the audience to sing 
>>aloud at key moments, and you know beforehand that your singing ability 
>>is severely limited, you MUST waive your "sing along" rights. Leave the 
>>crowd participation parts to those that do not fall under the "musically 
>>retarded" category.
>>3) This is possibly the oldest rule in the book... yeah, you know what 
>>we're talking about... don't be THAT guy. We KNOW you like the band, 
>>that's why you're here, you don't need to wear their SHIRT to their show 
>>as well.
>>4) Also, no wearing shirts of ex-bands either. That means no Nirvana 
>>shirts at the Foo Fighters show, no Jawbreaker shirts at the Jets to 
>>Brazil show, no Minor Threat shirts at the Fugazi show etc.
>>5) The "merch guy" is not your friend. In fact, all the merch guy wants 
>>to do is get through the night without having to talk to your lame ass. 
>>That means that he doesn't want a copy of your weak ass emo band's demo 
>>to pass along to the band. The only reason he might talk to you is 
>>because you either A) Know where to get drugs. B) Your girlfriend is hot, 
>>and by talking to you he can K.G.B. his way into her pants. C) You are 
>>willing to pay him for the time in his life that he's wasted talking 
>>about how much he likes the band's first out of print seven inch D) Know 
>>where he can get either drunk or high for free or E) He's making fun of 
>>you. Most likely it's E. In fact, it's mostly E, I mean look at yourself, 
>>you're striking up conversation with a merch jockey.
>>6) Dancing is ok, as long as you don't get all fruity. Air-instruments 
>>are NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar, air-drums, air-microphone, 
>>air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don't get me started on 
>>7) If you yell out "Play some Skynyrd", you deserve immediate castration. 
>>This isn't funny unless your name is either Beavis or Butthead. Shut the 
>>fuck up, we all know you've never heard Skynard. You think Earth Crisis 
>>invented music back in 1990. Don't give somebody another reason to stab you.
>>8) Don't be the buff steakhead dudes in the Jeep blasting Radiohead as 
>>you leave (or enter) the parking lot of the Radiohead show. WE KNOW YOU 
>>ONE BAND DO YOU REALLY NEED?! Actually just don't be the four buff guys 
>>in the Jeep at the show... period. This rule applies to everybody. You 
>>don't need to listen to the band you're going to see on the way to seeing them.
>>9) Tall dudes that stand at the front of the stage should have their 
>>testicles pureed. You're tall dumb ass, get in the back, or at least back 
>>a few rows.
>>10) Don't yell songs at the band, especially if it's not a super rare 
>>song or something. Yelling "ENTER SANDMAN" at the Metallica show is 
>>second only in retardation to drooling on yourself and walking really 
>>it in your pants, they'll get to it in the 3rd encore. Heckling is ok.
>>11) Anybody who utters the word MOSH PIT deserves to die.
>>12) Don't take off your shirt. We know you're sweaty dude, taking off 
>>your wife beater isn't going to stop that.
>>13) Don't be that fat lame bitch that gets crushed at the front of the 
>>stage at the barrier. Every time there's a real big show, some 
>>grotesquely fat chick thinks it would be swell to get as close to the 
>>singer of Blink182 as possible, and that nobody else there has the same 
>>idea. 3 songs into the set, the bouncers have to pull her obese fainting 
>>ass over the barricade. Don't be this pathetic piece of pasty lard.
>>14) Don't buy those shirts in the parking lot from the dude who looks 
>>homeless... unless your idea of a good fitting shirt is about 1 foot long 
>>and 3 feet wide. Oh wait, that probably fits your fat ass perfectly.
>>15) No making out at shows. Get a room. Unless of course it's a Shat 
>>show, then it's ok.
>>16) People who stand outside the whole time, and never go inside to watch 
>>any of the bands should be shot in the face. Yeah bitch, we know you 
>>don't really like the music and just use your pseudo post emo look as a 
>>social fašade to hopefully get laid and shit, but your presence at shows 
>>besides annoying everybody and making it harder to move around is 
>>useless. Go home and play on the internet and revise your makeout club 
>>profile you twat.
>>17) Don't be that guy who sells your zine at shows. We don't want to hear 
>>about your boring life, let alone have to pay money to hear about it.
>>18) Newsflash for kids starting a new band... it doesn't matter how many 
>>flyers you make for that first show you're playing at that coffeehouse... 
>>if you pass this flyer out to every last fucker in front of the show, 
>>NOBODY WILL CARE AND NOBODY WILL COME. We don't care about Shit Skittle's 
>>debut performance brah. It's almost as if the people passing out these 
>>flyers assume that people are walking out of the show thinking, "Gee, I 
>>really don't have anything to do at all next weekend. I wish there was 
>>some shitty show going on somewhere really out of the way with bands I've 
>>never ever heard of and don't know what they sound like that I could go 
>>to." It's not happening bro and never will. Keep practicing.
>>19) No crying.
>>20) When there's a brand new band that a lot of people seem real excited 
>>about that features ex members of other cool bands or something, and they 
>>don't have any releases out yet, just a demo, or a couple mp3's on their 
>>website or something, don't be the jackass at the front of the stage 
>>singing all the words. Yeah, yeah, we know you're the geeky super fan who 
>>likes these guys way more than everybody else. Just stop it cos you're 
>>making everybody want to vomit with your over apparent super fan enthusiasm.
>>21) "Moshers" who lose shoes, keys, wallets, etc. and then stop their 
>>kung fu fighting to try and look for those objects, then get clobbered 
>>and fall to the ground...... no wait, keep doing that, it's funny.
>>22) Sometimes when your favorite band is playing their big hit as their 
>>last song, you think it's a good idea and really cool to jump up on the 
>>stage and dance with the band. You and about 50 other die-hard geeks. 
>>Well... we know you're real enthusiastic about the whole thing, but get 
>>your porky and dorky ass off the stage. The band doesn't want you up 
>>there that close to their equipment. Get off the stage fruitcake.
>>23) If you go up and begin conversation with the band while they're 
>>loading equipment out at the end of the night and you don't at least 
>>offer to help, you deserve to be cut into little fucking pieces. The band 
>>wants to get the shit in the van and get the fuck out of your dumb ass 
>>corn & wheat truckstop town, and you're not helping matters.
>>24) Street team people passing out the latest Mudvayne cassette sampler 
>>in front of the show should be crucified. Yeah, give me a tape dude. I 
>>want a fucking Mudvayne tape.
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